Zombie

My life has finally come full circle.

I can still feel the numbness overshadowing any emotions. I feel like a zombie in those horror movies. I would rather it was pain that overpowered me at least I would be able to feel something. I am hollow, empty, devoid of any emotion. How can I escape from this limbo?

The thought of not being able to feel something, anything, for somebody scared me. Have I grown too cold hearted that it made me less human? A perfect opportunity presented itself, but I passed. What the hell is wrong with me? He was good enough for most people’s standards, average perhaps but certainly likeable. Yet I could not bring myself to reciprocate his affection. I wasn’t looking for fireworks, even a tiny spark would suffice. But to my disappointment there was nothing of the sort. I had to put a stop to it, even if it meant hurting him.

I was honest, actually more brutal than I expected. I told him that I have nothing to offer him. That is the closest I can get to saying I am not capable of loving or feeling anything romantic for another human being. Then I also added that I already like someone, and if it’s not him then I wouldn’t want to be with anybody else. I surprised myself with what I had just said.

After all these years, was I still hoping? This is stupid, irrational, and simply delusional. I’m still being haunted by a ghost, his ghost. It’s not fair to be reminded of someone who can never be yours. However no one can ever seem to measure up and this thought is just agonizing.

I cannot stay forever in purgatory. It can’t always be an episode of the “Night of the living dead”. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to find that light, I need to feel and be alive again.