Happy thoughts

Moving on to more happy thoughts… I failed to mention that I’m back in the workforce! Woopeydoo! Leaving my previous employer turned out to be not so bad after all! This proves that God is kind and most important of all – he really does exist! This means that I have moolah again to fund the acquisition of my much needed worldly possessions, in short – shopping!!! (Lord I am so kidding about that… I’ll start saving I promise… :P )

So far things are unexpectedly better, in all aspect. Not great, but better. I don’t want to get all excited and pre-empt things. I just wish life would be easier too for other people (if you are reading this, you know who you are…) I still believe that good things do happen to good people. It’s all going to fall into place sooner, later, somehow, one way or the other. You just got to have patience and faith. I know it all sounds so cliché but as the late Aaliyah sang “If at first you don’t succeed…Dust yourself up and try again…”

Be strong, my friend. We'll get our groove back.

Zombie

My life has finally come full circle.

I can still feel the numbness overshadowing any emotions. I feel like a zombie in those horror movies. I would rather it was pain that overpowered me at least I would be able to feel something. I am hollow, empty, devoid of any emotion. How can I escape from this limbo?

The thought of not being able to feel something, anything, for somebody scared me. Have I grown too cold hearted that it made me less human? A perfect opportunity presented itself, but I passed. What the hell is wrong with me? He was good enough for most people’s standards, average perhaps but certainly likeable. Yet I could not bring myself to reciprocate his affection. I wasn’t looking for fireworks, even a tiny spark would suffice. But to my disappointment there was nothing of the sort. I had to put a stop to it, even if it meant hurting him.

I was honest, actually more brutal than I expected. I told him that I have nothing to offer him. That is the closest I can get to saying I am not capable of loving or feeling anything romantic for another human being. Then I also added that I already like someone, and if it’s not him then I wouldn’t want to be with anybody else. I surprised myself with what I had just said.

After all these years, was I still hoping? This is stupid, irrational, and simply delusional. I’m still being haunted by a ghost, his ghost. It’s not fair to be reminded of someone who can never be yours. However no one can ever seem to measure up and this thought is just agonizing.

I cannot stay forever in purgatory. It can’t always be an episode of the “Night of the living dead”. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to find that light, I need to feel and be alive again.